I am finding it so, so hard to get to the mat at the moment.
The saying "This too shall pass" comes to mind, as I know it's just a phase, just like it was a phase a while ago when my practice was stronger than ever.
This too shall pass!
But at this very moment, I am having such a hard time. The moments I do make it to the mat, I seem to get off it more times than I even get my ass into an asana. I suddenly see all these urgent things that need fixing, so I literally get out of the asana, off the mat, and onto something incredibly insignificant. Then back to the mat, and the scenario keeps repeating itself.
I am just not finding my centre right now. In fact, I don't seem to even HAVE a centre right now.
Even though I know that if I had just stayed on the mat, if I had just breathed a little deeper and slower, it would have emerged from down under the depths. The restlessness and all-over-the-place-ness would have vanished as my centre emerged like a volcano exploding its lava all over the mountain.
But no. No lava and no volcano and no mountain, even. Just a very fragmented me, sleepless, restless, too much coffee, too little focus. And it spills onto life. Or does life spill onto the mat?
It's not just on the mat. It's all over the place in my life. I'm spilling onto all the areas. I went to IKEA in Barcelona and I bought these Swedish sweets that I love. Two packets. To last me a long time. But instead of enjoying one (with my coffee) I just keep sneaking back into the cupboard and the more I try to not eat them the more I'm finding myself scarfing them down, quickly, as if I wouldn't notice.
I'm just gonna check one thing on Facebook and then I'll roll out my mat. But before I roll out my mat I'm just gonna pee. But then, as I go towards the toilet, I realise I forgot to hang the laundry. And as I hang the laundry I just need to check Instagram. And on Instagram I see this beautiful Parisian street. So I go back to my mat but at that moment my baby wakes up. So I hang out with baby for an hour and a half. And then when he has fallen asleep again I just really need to eat something. Actually… yes. I'm hungry. And after you eat, in my state, you get tired. So once I'm tired I think I should wake up to do my practice. A coffee? No! I need to fill up the dog's water bowl! But then the phone rings.
It's like I'm out to sabotage for myself.
Drinking coffee at 6 pm even though I know it messes with my sleep.
Eating soooo much sugar even though I know I get headaches.
Not practicing even though I know it'll have a very immediate effect on how I feel.
But it's just so hard to get to the mat and stay there. I feel like a yoga Bridget Jones right now. I look at social media and the hashtag #yogaeverydamnday and I think "I WISH!" I plan, each morning, to get a practice into my day, but I fail horribly each day. But I never fail to over consume sugar and Swedish cakes stolen from myself and my allowance.
Just a month ago I was so into my practice. It was strong, steady and long and if I missed it one day, I made sure I took an hour before sleep. It was while travelling in Laos. Under severely uncomfortable conditions. In small rooms, in strange places, on decks overlooking the Mekong River and after 16 hour boat rides.
Today I took my all-over-the-place-self and placed it onto the mat. It didn't last very long. I suddenly had to make a fire, or pee, or drink, or check something, or the cat wanted to come in, or Instagram or… anything BUT the mat. Anything BUT the asana.
But this too shall pass.
That's my only mental relief and the only thing that makes me still forgive myself. For I know that before I know it, I shall be practicing advanced asanas with deep breaths at 11 pm after baby and dog and cat and husband have all been fed and are happy and relaxed.
But I just don't understand myself. I know it all begins on the mat, in the yoga practice. If you have dedicated yourself to this practice like so many of us have, then we KNOW in our hearts that it all begins on the mat. From the mat, into the world. The practice is the centre and the mat is the beginning. The rest will flow from there like waves. I know this. So why…did I brush my teeth and THEN have the soup? Because now I'm so tired and just wanna fall asleep next to my little baby dressed in his superman T-shirt sleeping on his belly.